It's been awhile

It's wild thinking how much time has passed and how much hasn't been written. I'm sad because majority of the past three years has been amazing; but isn't it funny how we tend to hold on to the painful memories, regardless of how infrequent they may be.

Or maybe it's just me.

My favorite years of Hattie happened. She skipped the terrible twos, the threenager, and was even easier than expected to potty train. She was the most joyful toddler. I look back at photos and can't contain the smile on my face. We lived the dream!
 And we still do. It's just, as her mother, I'm not as well equipped to maneuver her determination and exuberance for life. She will fight! She will persevere! And she will make me want to throw my hands up in the air and either laugh or cry, depending on the day. Haha! She just lives life 100% intensity and it's hard to absorb it all as a parent and to channel that energy into positive outlets and actions 24/7.

Disneyland trips still happened and bi-annual visits by grandma & Grandpa Jensen we're always highlights. I spent way to much energy, time, and money on Hattie's birthday parties but I wouldn't change it. Her last big birthday was a Pirate Fairy theme, complete with my mom dressing up as Tick-Tock Crock and Chris as Hook. hahah! Chris made an awesome treasure map that lead to the pinata, even. It was the best, despite the rain.

To begin somewhere in those toddler years, lets start with me finding a job. I wanted to be able to help a bit financially so I got a job at Mission Viejo Montessori. Hattie was able to come to work with me and attend the pre-school classroom, while I was working in the infant room. I learned a lot about why I stay home. I don't want anyone else raising my children. No one else can love and feel the level of concern that you do as toward your child. I ended up leaving after one year. I just didn't see eye to eye with others who worked with me. Hattie's teacher, though, she was the best & I know she loved my Hattie Lynn. Hattie made it easy for everyone to fall in love with her.

 Interestingly, as I sit here reflecting on my time there. I'm remembering that I was newly pregnant when I started. August 2014. Three weeks after I got the job, I miscarried. I truly found it healing to snuggle all those babies and give them my love that I so badly was yearning to give that baby I had lost. & then again, two weeks before I left, July 2015, I found out I was pregnant. We went to Lake Powell that year with the Furstut Family and I miscarried again on the houseboat. I was helpless, stuck on a boat, and tried my best to keep busy hosting our cousins and playing with Hattie. Looking back my feelings manifested themselves in me being easily annoyed.
(I think I sometimes still struggle with that.)


After I returned home from Lake Powell I saw that (on Facebook) two families were searching for in-home daycare. It didn't take long for me to reach out to each of them and soon agree that I'd apply for a daycare license and have them join Hattie and I at home Monday through Friday, beginning September 2015. My only requirement was that they'd be ok with me taking their kids to Disneyland. 4 kids and I; They were the best behaved and we loved our weekly trips watching Disney Jr Live On Stage, Red Trolley Boys, Beauty and the Beast, Tangled, Frozen sing along.. and rode the carousels and heimlechs chew chew train!

Daycare was a joy. Exhausting, but so fulfilling. Parents were sometimes challenging, too. But yet again, in January 2016, we found out I was pregnant; by February I miscarried. It was the most painful one to date; and I ended up in the ER on pain medication. This time we saved the embryo and asked for it to be tested. We met with a Genetic Counselor weeks later and found out it had the same genetic translocation I do... but his was unbalanced. The silver lining of that meeting was finding out that it was a boy. A warmth to my heart, as my mother had "known" it was a boy and had "named" him Samuel long before I had even miscarried. I feel like I have so much more of a memory with this miscarriage because of knowing the gender; having a name. It's just comforting knowing so much more about this baby, rather than just always referring to "it" as a miscarriage.

With all the sudden doctor appointments, I had shaken the dependability factor of my daycare families. And then again, July 2016 we found out we were pregnant for the 4th time. This time we were blessed with a full term pregnancy. And with that, my daycare families slowly left to find care elsewhere as my belly grew larger. Not to mention I signed up to sell LuLaRoe Clothing.
 (OY! I feel like I'm such a mess on paper.. but writing it all down, I think I just needed to build my family, & couldn't, so I looked elsewhere. Just a theory though)

March 2017. We welcomed Lilah Josephine into our family and we've just loved loved loved her each and everyday; Hattie, especially.  She's now 5 months old and anxious to learn and hit the next milestone (which I don't ever track like I did with Hattie). I just really want her to be little for as long as possible cause it passes fast & who knows when our next child will join us here on earth.

Life is fun. & I'm embracing the "Come what may and Love it" attitude <3

PS. I returned all my LLR inventory this month and I'm so glad that that ship has sailed!